Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
