i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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