His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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