i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
