Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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