I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
