Michael Bay diarrhea
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
