You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
