also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
