I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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