I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
