Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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