Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
