So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
