oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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