Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
A+ Viking dick
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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