Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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