Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
