I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
