During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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