Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
