tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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