i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize