I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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