hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
