i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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