Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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