This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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