I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
