cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize