Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize