Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
