Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
