No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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