But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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