I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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