I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
