If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Can Purell be used as lube?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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