I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize