Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize