I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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