SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
