Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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