I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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