let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
