I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
