My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
