I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
