when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
