We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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