I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize