just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
