"it" just moved
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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