hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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