I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
