So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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