I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
