it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
