apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
