Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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