so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
