you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
