she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
