Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize