i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
my poor anus
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
