I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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